Nightmares About Babies

Sep. 21st, 2017 08:47 pm
improperlyhuman: (dark Mulder)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
I woke up gasping in fear in the middle of last night. I don't remember this being caused by a dream, but I remember being worried about my sister. Stress. After putting it off all day, I finally spoke to her about leaving once she got her unemployment check. Of course it wasn't nearly as bad as I'd imagined.

She said that she would have already left if she had the money, and that somehow bothered me even though that's what I would want. Maybe I didn't like being surprised? (I expected her to want to stay a bit longer.) Surprises provoke anxiety, and I was already anxious.

I do remember an unrelated dream, however. I was hanging out at someone's house (a few family members, my mom included, were there), and some stranger brought a baby to the house. As I sat and watched the baby explore the carpet, I became angry and kind of restless. I know exactly what caused those feelings because I've experienced it before.

I was upset that people are not organized into normal, healthy social structures such that the youth can fully benefit from the knowledge of their elders. I felt that the end of my youth would sort of result in my being cast aside despite what I could contribute, that people's ability to contribute was being wasted. I felt sorrow for the youth that would needlessly repeat mistakes for lack of guidance; I felt frustration that the problem would go unsolved. I felt unappreciated.

Today I spent some more time learning bridge with free software from the American Contact Bridge League. The lessons stretched on and on. On breaks from the lessons, I thought about what kind of social environment I wanted and needed, and whether it made sense to tire myself out with people I didn't care to socialize with, whether that was an acceptable way to treat them. I care about understanding bridge more than I care about interacting with them.

On second thought, having gone once was indeed a bit helpful to me. It helped me to realize that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that I'm not turning into a socially rusty clutz. Now that I'm somewhat more at peace with myself, I'm not so worried about that. Going also kind of helped me to see that I'm not missing anything.

Finally I gave up on the lessons. I found an email address and let someone know that I wouldn't be coming to bridge anymore.

I still have negative emotions that drag on forever/never get resolved, so this evening I started reading Emotional Clearing, which has something to do with self-acceptance and neutralizing the intensity of negative emotions by integrating (rather than rejecting) them.

I'm Done with This Shit

Sep. 20th, 2017 09:04 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
Today I went into the kitchen and found my sister using my seasonings on a huge pan of dead chicken parts. Disgusting.

She actually listened to me for once and applied for unemployment. Great! She'll have gas money so she can go back to living in her car (which she is supposed to pick up tomorrow).

I can't take it anymore. I was in my room with the door closed trying to do stuff for my course and was continually distracted, mainly my nephew. I won't let them screw up my career. The apartment is too small and I'm too sensitive to noise. The apartment smells nauseating because of the junk food they cook, and they're creating a trash problem.

I'm stressed out over my sister's repeated poor decisions, but I'll be able to forget and relax once she's gone. Out of sight, out of mind. Today I found out how she got behind on car payments: blowing money on motels. Exactly what I told her not to do. I can't keep worrying about someone who doesn't listen; my own mental health is at stake. I'm going to lay it all out for her tomorrow.

I got in a nice long ride this morning, my first long ride breaking in my new saddle. Considerably less groin pain, but my butt was hurting a bit. I hope that's only because I'm not used to it.

I haven't decided whether I'll go to bridge lessons tomorrow. I'm on the verge of getting 1–2 new editing contracts, and the combination of work, school, exercise, psych self-treatment, familial stress, apartment hunting, and insomnia (I'm not sleeping again) is not going to leave me much time or energy. I'm not even interested in bridge.

I'm upset with myself for saying that I'd come this week. Disappointed, I guess. And even though I know it wouldn't be a huge deal, I really don't want to call and say that I won't be coming. The person who taught me last week went on vacation, so I'm not even sure who I'd call. I'd have to look up the other number, and I can't remember whether I was introduced to the other contact person.

Going to bridge wasn't terribly helpful. I went in there and I kinda started faking again. I wanted to skip all the small talk and just get down to the game. Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of going? I went for social contact. The problem is that I don't really want frivolous social contact, but that seems inescapable with most people.

I've come to see the importance of disentangling neurotic issues from neurodivergent/personality type fallout issues. Neurotic issues can be solved by changing myself. Fallout from just being different (which I can't change) has to be dealt with via careful social navigation. That includes being selective about the situations I put myself in.

This evening, I read the chapter about the patient's role in Self-Analysis. According to Horney, my 3 tasks are

free association
recognizing neurotic trends

I think I'm also supposed to fulfill the analyst's role, which is discussed in the next chapter.

No Joy In Others

Sep. 17th, 2017 09:13 pm
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[personal profile] improperlyhuman
Today has been a discouraging day. Right now I'm slowly getting over being pissed at not being able to workout because my sister and nephew went to bed early in my living room (my workout room). Now my lifting schedule is messed up, which is particularly problematic given that I'm still just getting back into it (so missing one day is a biggish deal).

I was talking to my sister about her situation and plans today when something in my abdomen started hurting. It was like I was literally worried sick. I found out that she has some very shaky plans (not going into the shelter, putting off starting her new job and relying on help from social services while spending all her money to get her car back, and waiting to get subsidized housing, which has nothing to do with her housing problem) and has not been applying for apartments.

I was gobsmacked when I found out that she hasn't been rejected for bad credit for years. What the hell has she been doing??? She's been homeless with a stable job and sufficient money, yet she hasn't been applying for apartments? Now that I have specifics, I'm even more worried that she's going to keep screwing up and end up homeless for longer. I'm afraid I'm going to end up housing her for her stupid decisions. She doesn't listen!

I tried explaining things to her today, but I doubt I made much of a difference. What I really want her to understand is that she has been messing up royally. I told her that I was planning to move soon, so she said that she could live in her car again if things don't work out, but where is she going to get gas money if she doesn't go back to work and spends everything she has getting the car back?! It's like she's not thinking.

I thought I was doing well given all the noise they make, but I can see now that it's just slowly and unobtrusively wearing me down, like being near traffic all day wears me down.

Suddenly the drain was clogged. Suddenly a zillion flies are in the apartment. Why?? I don't know what they are doing. It kills me to see her feeding my nephew nothing but trash. He's overweight, he's gonna end up with diabetes like his grandparents or hypoglycemia like me or worse.

I told her she didn't have to cook and to just stop giving him sugary drinks and buy some canned beans and peas. She said she wants him to have something filling before school! What the hell, she thinks junk food is more filling than canned goods/??!!!!!!!> Who is this person?? He eats Doritos every day, and they are getting smashed into my goddamned carpet. Doritos are filling? Cookies are filling? This is poor ppl shit right here.

This is insanity. I don't need this stress right before my course starts.

Although I'm not dwelling as much as before, I find myself coming back to  negative emotions caused by ugly situations with other people. I decided to keep posting on this forum as an exercise in not withdrawing, but I'm not enjoying myself too much. I'm not even posting on the main forum anymore, just trolling the spam section. It's good for lulz but when I get irritated with someone, it seems like it's just not worth it.

Someone who has posted dumb racist-sounding shit was talking to some other idiot in the chat section, and I was just so...frustrated. I've been trying to find some kind of enjoyment in other people, and it's not working.

They say to avoid talking about stuff like politics and religion, but why would I bother with someone I couldn't talk to openly about important topics? I don't understand how people get anything out of that. I'd always have in the back of my mind the knowledge that I have to sensor myself to avoid an argument. I kind of do that now, in fact; that's why I keep the trolling informal and discourage people from getting closer (denying their friend requests helps).

I have little compassion for others' limitations. I thought, maybe I'm just externalizing my lack of compassion for my own limitations, and if I can be nicer to myself, I can extend that to others and like people more. I don't know if that's true, but I guess I have to try it. The alternative is too bleak to turn to without trying something else.

So that's what I'm supposed to be working on now: self-compassion. I dislike the very word "compassion." I don't know how to do it; I still don't know how to deliberately change the way I feel. Other stuff I've "worked on" seems to just be changing by itself, without any conscious effort. 

Oh! Speaking of. Today I was thinking about kissing this oh-so-attractive person I found on OkC yesterday. And this is a new thing and a big deal because I used to not be able to do that, or rather, I used to unconsciously prevent myself from doing that, supposedly to reinforce social distance.

So I'm doing ok when it comes to being kinder to myself in terms of accepting my want (need) of an intimate relationship. (I kind of don't have a choice because the need has been nagging at me for some time and won't go away.) But I'm still not nice to myself when I make mistakes or get carried away emotionally. That's what I have to work on. If I can "accept" (I hate that word now) this in myself, I can "accept" it in others. That's the hypothesis anyway.

The Longing

Sep. 16th, 2017 10:58 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
Found a gorgeous specimen on OkC this evening. Badass mullet and everything.

She lives in Australia. Australia!

This is just cruel.

Most of my good matches are in other countries. I think I figured out why tonight as I was browsing pictures (which OkC forces you to do to find someone). Most of my U.S. matches who at first glance appear to be gender non-conforming turn out to be anything but lesbians: queer, agender, non-binary, etc. All the gender non-conforming lesbians on OkC are outside of the U.S.!

The really interesting thing is that match percentages are not based on self-identification or pictures; they're based on questions. So not only are the people whose looks/self-identification I'm most attracted to in Europe, the people who have the most compatible personalities are also in Europe. The question-based compatibility and physical attraction coordinate!

My bike has been making a clicking noise in all but the highest gear for some time now. I haven't been able to figure out exactly what is causing it. I tried to look up the problem and couldn't even understand what I found due to lack of familiarity with part names, so I ordered a book on bike maintenance. It's about time I learn the names of the bike parts. I want to be a *serious cyclist*.

I've been looking for more work to help me afford a new road bike. New road bikes cost so much, that may well never happen. In the meantime, one or two new parts would suffice.

Shits not going well with my sister. I hope they take her into the shelter in 3 weeks because I'm ready to move. I'll do a temporary move; I'm tired of this crap.

What Have I Gotten Myself Into

Sep. 14th, 2017 10:03 pm
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[personal profile] improperlyhuman
I just got back from bridge lessons about half an hour ago. Turns out bridge is the most complicated game EVAR. I thought I wouldn't want to go back because of the social aspect, but it's the time and effort I'll have to put in that bother me.

I got one-on-one lessons. With someone who uses some kind of electronic voice box thing to talk. Match made in hell. I felt that I couldn't deal with her disappointment if I said that I wouldn't come back, so I said that I would return next week even though I wasn't sure. Gotta stop doing that.

I'm going to try to learn this game online.

I told them I was 37 (I keep forgetting that I'm only 36) and they said they thought I was a high school student. Wat. I don't look that young.

I feel desolate

Sep. 13th, 2017 06:22 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
Photobucket has stopped hosting the main image I use on my blog, the Magritte painting, so that's gone. Too much effort to re-upload it. No, it isn't too much effort; it's that I feel stupid being so involved as to bother re-uploading it. Even healthy levels of involvement make me feel stupid sometimes. Involvement presents vulnerability to disappointment. Disappointment is not even relevant to re-uploading an image, but withdrawing from involvement has become compulsive; that's why it's a problem.

Focus on the positive. I finally ordered a new saddle for my bike today. I've been having pain in my groin and backside while riding. Dammit, I tried, I tried so hard to find a saddle that's manufactured in the U.S. or at least a non-sweatshop country. I was really impressed with Sqlab, so I finally ordered from them. The company is German; I don't know where their saddles are manufactured. No one answered my email.

One hundred and sixty-nine dollars. This saddle better be like sitting on air.

Tomorrow is bridge night and I'm excited!

I lifted yesterday evening, first time in a week or so. I hardly lifted anything, only squatted up to 75 lbs., yet my thighs are sore today. Maybe its the reps that made me sore. I squatted the empty barbell for 30 reps, only 3 reps on the 75 lbs. Goin' for endurance.

I feel so freakin weak. I miss lifting heavy. I miss knowing that I can pick up damn near anything a person would ever need to pick up. This is the price I pay to have the body I want. I saw a female cyclist while I was searching for saddles and she had the body I want. I was inspired. Maybe that's not the right word. Heartened. People who lift do not have the body I want. And I'm thinner now and find dieting easier. So my path is clear.

I guess I still am strong enough to pick up damn near anything a person would ever need to pick up. People don't usually need to lift more than sixty or so pounds at a time. I just wanna Hulk out.

I don't enjoy squatting for endurance. When I squat I hold my breath to brace my abs. Combined with the many reps, this quickly puts me out of breath.

I'm discouraged about being a clarinetist. I haven't been motivated to pick up the instrument for the past few days. My guests have thrown me off what passed for my schedule.

Discouraged about finding housing and worried that I'll have to put it off because my sister may not be able to move with me and keep her job. I made sure she got on the waiting list for a nearby shelter. She can't stay with me. My nephew's elocution is grating.

I need work on handling emotions, mine but especially others'. I would rather do without than ask for something that may upset someone even a little. I don't want to ask my neighbor to move her stuff so that my sister can use my half of the storage space. My dislike of talking comes into play as well.

I've also noticed that I tend to expect people to not give me what I want, thereby killing my own motivation to ask. And if they say no or even seem hesitant to grant my wish, I feel stupid and berate myself for my involvement no matter how much I needed what I asked for. I even feel kind of off even if they say yes. Madness.

I'm starting my first course in about five days. It's called Grammar and Mechanics or something like that. I'm irritated that one of the mandatory textbooks is A Writer's Guide, which was a required textbook for my freshman English class in college! It seems too basic to waste thirty dollars on. Well. It's been through several editions since then; maybe it offers more now. And a little refresher won't hurt.

Another required text is this hokey Grammar for Dummies type book called Woe is I. Bestselling non-fiction is bound to be geared towards idiots. It has cutesy section titles to amuse readers who have the learning style of a child. All this extra bullshit is actually a barrier to learning for me. I'm flipping through it now and the contents look pretty damn basic. This book at least was only seven dollars on ebay.

I have to get out of here! so that I at least have the chance to go on dates. The cold is coming and still no heater. I'm getting desperate and considering moving to Sacramento. Being surrounded by concrete will be depressing, but I'll be able to cycle round the river and stuff at least. I hate being at the mercy of other people in my choice of a home. Hate it beyond words.

Worrying About People Is Tiring

Sep. 10th, 2017 09:35 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
My sister lost her car. She lost her car. And the friend she was staying with kicked her out. So now she's staying with me instead of on the streets. In my tiny apartment.

Not only did she lose her car, she didn't tell me about about it for days, so now getting the car out of the pound will cost "thousands" of dollars. In other words, she may never get it back. I don't know what happened, why it got towed away. I told her to prioritize the car. It was her home.

All this started cuz our good-for-nothing mother burned down an apartment and destroyed my sister's rental history. Permanently, it seems. How many major mistakes can a person rack up in a single lifetime? My sister is a hardworker and has had a stable job with decent pay for years now, yet no one will rent her an apartment because of our leech of a mother.

She was leeching off my sister at the time, living in an apartment she paid not a cent for, she leeched off my sister after the fire, and now I hear she may be leeching off our other sister. She can't support herself. She knows almost nothing about the job market, has hardly any work history (all minimum-wage jobs), and has a felony on her record! Moron. She wouldn't even go get help with her resumé when she lived three blocks from the employment department.

What kind of person is this? She probably couldn't work anyhow because of what she's done to her health. And I'm sure she will act completely helpless when it comes to applying for social security benefits.

Small Mouth

Sep. 9th, 2017 09:36 pm
improperlyhuman: (Default)
[personal profile] improperlyhuman
It seems that my mouth is too small to play clarinet. Or my tongue is too short. I can scarcely reach the reed with my tongue, so I can't tongue. Tonguing is a super important technique.

When I put the mouthpiece further into my mouth to bridge the distance between tongue and reed, I cannot seal my lips around the wider part of the mouthpiece; air escapes.

Maybe I need to switch to a non-wind instrument. I was never a very good wind player anyhow.
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